If You Hear a Doctor Say One of the Following Phrases, Run for the Hills......

I'm not quite sure that any other profession in the world today uses so many cliche phrases as physicians. They seem to be passed down from generation to generation in general conversation, and now I find myself using them all the time. Oddly, physicans I have encountered from all over the U.S. as well as international doctors use the exact same phrases. Sometimes I think we use them because we have no clue what else to say. And now with no further ado, I present common cliche phrases that doctors use. If you hear a physician use one of the following phrases, run for the hills!

1. "In terms of.....?": Used when we need further clarification about what someone is even talking about in the first place.

2. "Fair enough": Not quite sure what this one means, but here is a rough translation-"even though I don't completely agree with you on this one, we'll do it anyways." Usually used between the primary service and consulting teams, or between people with opposing views, or just whenever people feel like it (that's why it's a cliche). This phrase, at least where I am located, seems to be spreading like wildfire. Never heard it used in med school. I refuse to use this cliche. "I don't think a CT scan of the head would be beneficial in this case." "Fair enough."

3. "That will need to be addressed by your primary physican," or better yet, "That will need to be addressed as an outpatient": This one is classic. Used when a patient asks a question of a doctor that is not important to their hospitalization (not an acute issue). Roughly, a way to deflect more chronic or stable problems away from being worked up as an inpatient in the hospitalized setting, which costs the hospital more money. "Doc, what do you think is going on with this back pain that I've had for over 10 years?" "Hmmmm......Actually, that will need to be addressed as an outpatient."

4. "We'd be happy to.....": Can be used almost anywhere, anytime. Sometimes said to a physican on another service in the hospital when they do not want to admit a patient and the patient is deflected to your service for other medical issues. Implies that we're reluctant as well to take the patient, but we're polite enough to say that'd we'd be happy to take them, as long as they understand that they will do the same for us when the situation is reversed. The situation, sadly, is almost never reversed.

5. "The ______ is cooking......": Almost always used to describe a lab or other test that is pending, as if it is in the oven on a timer or something.

6. "I'm not quite sure about that, but I'll ask _________": Means we have no clue, but we'll find out if we can. Many variations of this phrase are out there.

7. "Mr. (or Mrs.) _______ is a pleasant (see also: 'very nice', 'really nice') _____ (usually an age over 65) year-old......": The key here is the word "pleasant" or "very nice" or other synonyms to that effect. By describing the patient's demeanor as pleasant, it supposedly softens the blow that a new, often complicated admission is being admitted to your service. Often used by ER staff, or any physician who is dictating a note on a new patient.

8. "I'm really sorry about this, but.....": Usually the first words out of the ER's mouth when they are going to admit a new patient to your service, again, supposedly to soften the blow. Usually only used by really nice (or pleasant) physicians, or physicians who haven't been working in the ER for more than 3 or 4 years. After that, the phrase seems to mysteriously disappear.

9. "Basically, ______________(insert just about anything here)": Be careful of this one. "Basically" can show up just about anywhere. Usually used as the first word of a summarization of events or history, but can also be used when teaching a new concept to someone else.

10. "I wasn't aware of that": This is often said in a state of surprise, usually when someone else tells you something that you should know. It can apply to general medical knowledge, patient issues, or just about anything else that you should know, but for some reason or another you just haven't run across it yet. The shock associated with this phrase depends on how important the issue is in the first place. Often the issue is not that important, and for that reason the phrase is stated to simply claim ignorance and move on.

11. "Apparently ____________(again, you can insert anything here)": Apparently this word begins just about every other sentence that a doctor speaks. It may be one of the most widely used cliches, as I've heard just about every physican I know of use it at one point or another. It can also be used to repeat to someone else something you've heard as hearsay, i.e. "Apparently, the patient is a lawyer." (after they had just heard the patient doing business on the phone).

12. "________ is on board......": Almost always used when describing what medications the patient is on. Often used with antibiotics. "The cipro is on board."

13. "It's all voodoo.....": Apparently, voodoo is a commonly used term to describe anything that a doctor does which has not yet been backed up by evidence-based medicine in the form of a study which has been published in a medical journal. For example, "How long should we continue these antibiotics for?" Answer: "How about 10 days, I don't know, it's all voodoo....."

14. "From our standpoint.....": An almost universal cliche. As individuals and different subspecialty teams, we all have our own standpoint. Can also be used when describing any varying aspect of anything else that you might be talking about. "From a urological standpoint, he seems to be getting better......"

15. "_______-wise.....": Similar to "standpoint" and "In terms of....", but with -wise, you can insert almost any noun. "Time-wise, we're running out of time. In terms of his health (health-wise), from our standpoint, the patient is getting much worse."